Deep Thoughts

I have issues. Lots of them. But the issue this week that keeps rolling around like marbles in my head is that of prayer. I find myself on occasion dissecting in my head why I believe what I do, like breaking down a puzzle and examining each piece as I put it back together. This puzzle of faith.

It seems there is this waxing and waning of prayer, similar to a tide chart, that intertwines my thoughts. And when life gets really yucky I question why I pray. I think prayer can be broken down into a couple very simple categories...without getting into a theology session... I will break it down into these three: thanksgiving, supplication and repentance. The first and third are a piece of cake for me. It's easy to thank God for supplying our needs or our wants and it's easy to say thanks when things are seemingly going our way. It might not be easy to ask for forgiveness when we have done wrong but I find it not being a difficult process to understand. We may not like to apologize to God for our errors but it's a necessary part of prayer.

It's the middle one I get hung up on. Supplication. Letting our "requests be made known to God". Why do I do this? He already knows what I am going to ask before I ask it. He already knows the desires of my heart. He already knows the days planned out for me. He already knows what He is going to do. He already knows. Does my asking change God's mind? I don't know the answer.

You might be ready to walk away from your computer right about now, wonder if God may strike you down for reading my post and attempting to follow a train of thought I am heading down. Near blasphemy you might be screaming. But hang in there, it gets even deeper.

I have a friend with a family member who has walked away from Truth, put his family and children in jeopardy because of poor life choices. I have two more friends on the verge of loosing their homes because of the economy. My dad has been out of work for a year. I follow two other blog writers, one who's baby died and one who's baby is very sick right now, both writer's with a deeper faith than my own. I have another friend who lives in severe physical pain most of her days and another friend who died from a lifelong illness. I have a job in which I see and hear pain everyday. I myself have lived thorough significant pain in various forms. Our youngest child was in the NICU with very little promise of survival by all doctor's diagnosis. People from all over the world prayed for our son and our son lived. A miracle brat we call him now! But God chose to heal our son. If it were not for the thousands of prayers on our son's behalf, would God have still chose to heal him? What is the appropriate way to pray for things like this?

The Bible says to make our requests know to God. That He won't give us more than we can handle. That He will give us he desires of our heart. That He will supply our needs according to His riches in Glory. That He knows the plans He has for us. That He wants us to come to Him in prayer. I know all of these things. I know them. But why do I believe them? Why do I have to dissect the puzzle and examine each piece? I'd like to think that it's a good thing that I do this. That each time my faith increases. But I'm not sure that is true. Am I kidding myself by saying so?

I took a week long class on mental illness and this so called mental health expert said that people who claim they have a direct line to God have a mental illness. That those who say they can "hear God's voice" are just mentally ill and are usually paranoid or blah, blah, blah. She also said that we have evolved and that we used to be able to smell all of our organs within our body, blah, blah, blah. The discredit box in my head checked rather quickly once this stuff started spewing from her mouth. She held up a diagram of a brain labeled with all these complex systems the whole time she spoke about our brain evolving. Ironic, huh? At one point I wanted to raise my hand and declare myself mentally ill since I talk to God and that I openly admit to hearing His voice at times. But I was slightly afraid of her so I kept my mouth shut. I contemplated moving out of the room in case God struck her dead with lightening! But seriously? Seriously? Mentally ill for praying?

I have this desire for my kids to come up with a "better" dinner time prayer. Every night each child wants to pray at the dinner table, and each one says the exact same thing. "Dear Jesus. Thank you for this day, thank you for our food. Please help tonight to go well. Amen." and then the next kid says the exact same thing. I urge them to think outside the box, to become a bit more sincere in their dinner prayer instead of this memorized line that has become the easy standard. But what do I say when they ask why? I want to believe what comes out of my own mouth. I want to believe what I know to be Truth. So I continue to dissect. To let the marbles roll around and ponder.

So by now your asking, How much longer is this post going to be and what does she believe about prayer? And here are the answers. Not much longer. And can it be that prayer benefits the person praying more than it benefits God or his plans? I think it becomes an exercise to keep us in check with our Savior. To remind us of who is in control when our feelings fluctuate and our mind races with questions about the unknown. I'm not certain that by asking for God to heal an ill person until we are blue in the face that it means He will heal them. But I believe that prayer changes our mindset about what God chooses for the ill person. It allows us to accept the outcome of what God has already set in motion. It gives us a peace about the present, because this side of Heaven we wont always know the reasons for pain. For this reason I must fall back into these reminder from God's word.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

Mandy

Baby Stellan

my charming kids

Please pray for baby Stellan. I follow a blog http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ and this gal's 4 month old baby is currently in the NICU with a severe heart condition. To read further please visit MckMama's blog at the web address above.

Back to "Normal"

I've neglected my blog a bit this week. After a long bout with the stomach flu I felt so behind on housework and life stuff. I had to jump right into a long work week therefore barely had time to check my email or balance my checkbook. Yikes! That left the following equation: Blog = Backburner.

This week I attended a week long training class about mental illness. It was put on by a law enforcement agency in a nearby town and was very informative. I really enjoyed all that I learned about the various types of mental illness and how best to approach those inflected by the different types. We heard from various people who suffer from PTSD, Bi-Polar, Panic/Anxiety disorders, etc. I was so amazed that these people could stand up in front of a room full of cops and share their "dark" side in an effort to educate the ones who have to contact them during their times of personal crisis.

This week also marked the start of Little League season for Jordan and Grant. This is the first year Grant will play and he is very anxious to get started. Their practices are on opposite ends of town with one practice ending and the next one starting at the exact same time. We have until Wednesday to figure out how to clone ourselves or invent time travel. I had no idea how fun (or funny) little league was. Jordan started playing coach pitch last year and it was our first experience with baseball. Howard and I had so much fun watching the kids play. It is hilarious at times. Little boys with sunflower seeds and cleats running their little legs off and throwing dirt clots in the outfield. Our boys are looking forward to a fun season once we hit the sporting good store for pants, cleats and the all important protective cup!

I'm settling in to watch a movie with Howard on this first night of spring break! I'm trying to adjust to a 6 week graveyard shift that starts tomorrow night. The boys are actually still up. They just got home after a failed attempt at spending the night with friends. Their friend ended up running a high fever and getting sick so Howard went to pick them up. Grant is in the bathtub crying big crocodile tears lamenting that he had to return home prematurely. The influenza bug is not on our list of fun things to do for spring break, but my son doesn't understand that yet.

Happy Spring everyone!

Mandy

Nothing Worse

There is nothing worse than throwing up! I hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Last Thursday, I had my friends over for dinner and Howard had taken the boys to run some errands. They returned somewhat earlier than I had expect and when they hit the front door I knew by the tone of Howard's voice it wasn't good. Carter had puked all over the car. My friends decided now would be a good time to head for home. Thus our dinner ended abruptly when the puking child entered the house. I don't blame them one bit. No one wants to get sick! Especially when you are my friend Amy, who is 6 months pregnant, or my friend, Monica, who just had the stomach flu two weeks prior. Howard apologized for my dinner guests leaving so abruptly and then said he thought Carter just ate too much for dinner. Combined with the hot chocolate from "Disneyland dad" while they were running errands, he probably just got too full. We spent the next several hours cleaning the car, the kid, the clothes, the bathroom and the carpet. What fun. Isn't parenting a joy?
But I didn't buy into the overeating explanation. And, I was right. All day Friday, Carter continued with the obvious flu he picked up from daycare. Don't we love germ bucket 3 year olds who don't use proper hygiene?
Grant and I spent Friday and Saturday together at the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, pictures and wedding of our friend Sarah. He, as you know from the previous post, was her ring bearer. And a mighty fine one at that. Howard spent the day's home with Carter and his affliction. Then, on Saturday night we went to dinner at Applebee's before I headed to work for a few hours. Carter appeared to be feeling better and we thought we were over it. HA! What was I smoking?
I crawled in bed late Saturday night after work and woke early in the morning Sunday to a terrible feeling. Running to the bathroom I puked for the next 12 hours. I hate throwing up! Hate it. Hate it. At some point I was ready to call for an ambulance because I couldn't get off the bathroom floor and felt like I was going to pass out. Instead Howard carried me to bed and gave me Dramamine. Little white miracle workers in a bottle. But let me tell you how much I never want to eat at Applebee's again. Sometime during the day Grant started throwing up too. The next few days were pretty much a blur as I and my two youngest boys slept in one bed with a puke bowl within reach.
I should point out that during the time we were throwing up our socks, Jordan was coughing up his lungs. Howard took him to the Dr and came home with four new Rx's and a pneumonia warning if he doesn't not get better soon. Howard did a super job of keeping up with everyone and caring for us while we were down for the count. He washed all the laundry in the house. ..but didn't fold any of it and I still can't find my small couch q:o). He even washed all the reds together and only turned one pair of white underwear pink! I was so impressed at his attention to laundry details. Jordan wont be so impressed when he finds pink undewear in his dresser!
We have never had the stomach flu in our house until 3 months ago. I think twice in 3 months is more than enough. We should be clear for at least another 5 years, right? I'm still holding my breath for Howard though. He didn't get it either time and I pray he doesn't.... because I can't carry him to bed.
We are feeling better with only occasional urges to toss everything we just ate. Carter puked again last night after everyone was asleep and Howard and I found ourselves stripping another bed and washing sheets at 1am. Hopefully eight days is long enough for this bug. The sun is out and I am opening all the windows to air out the germs!

Mandy

Little Man

Grant was asked to be the ringbearer in our friend Sarah's wedding on Saturday. We unfortunately have just had our second run in with the stomach flu in the last two months, so I am delayed in sharing pictures of our little handsome boy. Here is a recap of his big moment before the stomach flu hit us in full force.

I will post more in a few days when we are on more than a Gatorade and pedialyte diet.

Mandy

I'M MAD!

Yes, I said it. I'm mad. I've been trying not to be mad, but it's not working. Part 4 of the basketball posts has an underlying story that is the cause of my anger.
You see, my husband has been coaching basketball for a better part of 12 years. The first two years as an assistant, the next 10 as head coach and in the last 3 years, also the athletic director for our small private school. He has earned his keep plus more like all devoted teachers and coaches of small private schools. Way more hours than the pay is equal to. And... that's fine. He certainly doesn't do it for the pay or he wouldn't be where he is. The real reward comes in the form of the kids he gets the privilege of coaching. What a great group they are. (I think I have said that a few times before already). To say that his time has come to take a trip to the state playoffs is an understatement. There have been many years that he has been one game away from the post season play but this season takes the cake, clearly the closest his team has ever come.

Which brings me to the source of my anger.

The team we played last Friday night, in short, cheated. They had a coach that took the team to the state playoffs and won the championship for the last two years in a row. He is no longer the coach of that team and we had to play them last Friday for a chance to go to Baker City. They have new coaches but for some reason felt the need to have the old coach stand at the end of the court nearest our bench and coach the other team using hand signals. Clearly a violation of the OSAA rules as well as an ethical violation as coaches. But, it wasn't noticed by the officials and although my husband asked the officials to have that man moved, they did not make him, unaware of what he was doing. But, in order to file a grievance it takes a certain amount of time. That amount of time wasn't there due to the impending playoff schedule that was preset. Now, our team didn't play to the best of their ability. We already know that. No question. They earned the score they got, but the team that won was also a team that had 4 grown men and a few players all in on the cheating act.

I am mad.

I am furious, and I can't get over it.

I've spent a better part of 5 days being mad deep down inside and not able to shake it from my thoughts.

There is this internet forum in which you can discuss the games,etc and I logged in and posted something about this other team's antics. I made a comment along the line of "consider the example these men are setting for the young players on the team as they blur the line between black and white".
Bad idea. I was not only called a liar and a slanderer for making such accusations against their "pillars of the community" but I had the "and you call yourself a Christian" line dropped on me.

Boy howdy did I stir a pot.

Now I'm mad and insulted that someone would turn such a blind eye to blatant cheating and consider me the one in the wrong for pointing it out.

I play by the rules. Black and white. I work for the police for pete sakes! I like order and law and rules. And if someone breaks them they shouldn't get rewarded for it. We don't buy people ice cream for running a red light!

But, it doesn't always work that way, I know. Especially now. To see my husband work so hard for something and then watch a school that cheated go instead of us...MAKES ME MAD.

My husband will file a formal complaint and follow the proper channels like he is supposed to. But it won't change anything for this season. The games have already started in Baker City. The other team just won their first game in the first round of the tournament.

Bitter? Maybe.

Disappointed? Very.

Angry? How did you guess?

Mad? I already told you.

Fair? Not at all.

Say a prayer for my heart, please, as we sit on the couch listening to the play by play of each game over the radio instead of being there.

Go ahead, say it. I know what you are thinking. "Life isn't fair". "It's just a game". "Don't worry, there is always next year".

This is about the time I wan't to throw a huge tantrum. But instead, I'll put on my big girl panties and deal with it. It's better if I not cause a scene in my living room in front of all my kids. They will have no idea what I'm talking about and I will look like a loser in my own home.

Smiling on the outside, aching on the inside. Truth be told.

Mandy

Kids say....

Grant is on the verge of losing his first tooth, which made me remember one of the funniest things he has ever said. One day when he was about 3 and Jordan was just starting to lose teeth, we were walking downtown and ran into someone I attended high school with. She was pushing her 8 month baby in a stroller. Grant was admiring the little girl when he looked up at me in amazement and said "Mom, that baby has lost all her teeth...she only has two left!"

Teeth seem to be a theme lately.

Mandy

Basketball Part 4

As they say...all good things must come to an end. We lost our 2nd Regional State Game on Friday to Mohawk High School. It was a very disappointing loss for our boys and even more for my husband. Only a 4 point loss makes it that much harder. 5 points away from Baker City is tough to recover from. But the best thing about this team is the great kids who are on it. These boys have the best character, composure and class. Attributes that will carry them far in life...way beyond a gym floor or basketball score board, and they aren't too shabby at the sport either! My husband is very blessed to have them.

The evening practices, endless uniform laundry, weekend road trips, late nights and concession food diet is officially over. Back to cooking at home and having dinners together as a family. And once the end-of-season grieving period is over for my husband, I will have him back too. We have one huge awards banquet to plan to celebrate the accomplishments.

So for now, It's game over. Until next season anyway...which starts again in November. The countdown has already begun.

Mandy