Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Why's

Three years ago today, the NICU doctor came into our hospital room at 4am and told us that we needed to be prepared that Carter was not going to live. On Sunday he turned 3 years old.

Today at work, we had a baby stop breathing and die.


Today my baby lives and some else's does not.

Why God?

Carter ruptured his lung shortly after birth, by day two his heart was so enlarged it collapsed his other lung and then his little heart stopped delivering blood to his lungs. He was put on a high frequency ventilator and a boat load of medications. He didn't eat or move for the first 6 days of his life. God healed him when the doctors said he would die and and three days after Christmas we brought him home for good. His story, our story, and God's healing hand witnessed to more people than we ever will know. Hundred of people all over the world prayed for our son thanks to a nifty little thing called email. News spread like wildfire of his condition and his subsequent healing by God. What a powerful witness to the doctor that day when three hours after telling us our son wouldn't live, we went back into the NICU and Carter had made a huge turn around. The doctor said he couldn't explain why the sudden progress and I looked at him and said "I can, it's called prayer."

But why today, did God allow another baby to die?

And why did I have to be at work when that call came in?

Why today on the this significant day?

These are the why's that I wrestle with in my soul, in my sleep and in my subconscious. And events like today shake me. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be more thankful for such a miracle baby, but I can't help consider the pain of those not able to hold their babies today. The hundreds of children who die each day in Africa from starvation or the one's who perish due to war or earthquakes. Somehow I doubt that the pain a mother in Africa feels from the loss of multiple children to hunger is any less than the pain a mother in our own country feels who's child has died for no explainable reason. Yet mother's in Africa don't have a blog to share their feeling or a support group to get through.

I know the answers I'm supposed to know about the whys. I know we live in a sinful, less than perfect world. I know there will be pain in this life. I know that God is God and I am not and that He is the same no matter what happens on this earth. But I still can't help the whys. The thing is, I'm not sure I really would want the answer if offered to me. It might just be an unbearable one. I share this to relieve a bit of anxiety I feel today and also to praise the One who gave us Carter. The verse that has stayed with me the most since this time is this: "Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah." Psalm 62:8. In a sense, that's just what I am doing. Pouring out my heart and thinking out loud.

Here are some pictures of Carter, the before and after if you will. Our kids were still not feeling well..so we cancelled his birthday party. Then, I went to walmart and bought a cake with a Christmas ornament, pulled it off, put some monster trucks on it and we went out to pizza. Christmas cakes shouldn't be orange anyway. Later that night Carter puked it all up..in our bed of all places, but at least it was enjoyable for the moment. It's a far cry from the little party we had planned but he's only 3 and it's likely not to scar him for life. Plus, it's a molehill that I didn't make a homemade cake and celebrate in our home. Things could be worse, couldn't they?

For those who prayed for Carter and our family during those weeks 3 years ago, again I say thank you. Mandy...for all the boys

licking frosting !

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